India is close and I am not ready; plain and simple.
God willing, I will be by the time I land in Delhi... but then again, how ready can I really be?? I think there is something freeing in NOT being ready. Let me explain. Being ready means "prepared mentally or physically [or spiritually, or emotionally] for some experience or action."
Yep--I'm definitely not ready.
I am ready (ok, not yet, but I plan to be by Tuesday afternoon) to GO with reckless abandon and jump in headfirst to something that I KNOW God has called me to... but I am not ready in any other sense of the word. How can I PREPARE for something with so many unknowns?
I don't know what my days will look like. I don't know how often I will get to shower. I don't know how 'comfortable' I will be in such an infamously dirty place. I don't know how I will feel when I walk around the poorest city in this world. I don't know if I will be understood when I speak English. I don't know how to share Jesus with someone who believes something so different. I don't know why He wanted me to go to India in the first place. I don't know how He will use me. I don't know how I am going to survive on Indian food. I don't know what it is He wants to teach me.
But I DO know that I CAN TRUST HIM. I can give Him everything that is weighing me down and He will carry it for me, happily. It's a choice. I can. I don't have to... but I can. And I will, because I don't want the pressure of BEING PREPARED.
All that I am ready for is being used... 100% of me. However He sees fit. If that means I am cleaning out leprous wounds, so be it. If that means I am bathing someone with only days left to live, so be it. If that means I am playing soccer with street boys, so be it. If that means I am cleaning toilets, so be it.
I will be honest, I want to spend time with the people--I want to love on the sweet girls who have been stripped of their freedom, innocence, childhood. I want to comfort the sick and tell them about my sweet Jesus who loves them with an unimaginable love. I want to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice.
But, more than anything, I want HIS WILL to be done. Whatever that is... serving is serving and loving is loving, no matter how "glamorous" or unglamorous the ways in which we do them are.
Last night I found these words that Amy Carmichael, a missionary to India, wrote from God to us and they have become my prayer as well. Take this love song in...
"Trust Me, My child. Trust Me with a humbler heart and a fuller abandon to My will than ever thou didst before. Trust Me to pour My love through thee, as minute succeeds minute. And if thou shouldst be conscious of anything hindering the flow, do not hurt My love by going away from Me in discouragement, for nothing can hurt love so much as that. Draw all the closer to Me; come, flee unto Me to hide thee, even from thyself. Tell me about the trouble. Trust me to turn My hand upon thee and thoroughly remove the boulder that has choked thy riverbed, and take away the sand that has silted upon the channel. I will not leave thee until I have done that which I have spoken to thee of. I will perfect that which concerneth thee. Fear though not, O child of My love; fear not."