Hi....... sorry it has been ages since I've posted. As usual, things have been CRAZY and I have not been able to get internet (except on my phone). I actually like life a lot better here without internet, I think--but I am glad to have it so I can keep in touch with you guys.
So much has been going on in my heart and mind over the past month and I've wanted to share--but felt like I needed to 'have things figured out' before I posted. I could have told you pretty much the same thing I'm about to tell you now several weeks ago--but I waited. Now I am still in the same position but decided to just share where I am and ask for prayers as I discern His will and learn how to distinguish His voice in this matter.
I thought I was coming to Kenya to love on some children who had been through a traumatizing experience. That was my 1 minute answer when people asked what I'd be 'doing'. I have spent probably at least 100 hours of the past 3 months in hospitals with children... some sick with AIDS, some with common childhood illnesses that have become worse due to lack of medical care, some who are 15 years old and have never seen a doctor but experience seizures daily, some who were covered in pussy wounds that were never healing with the conditions the child lived in, some whose malnutrition has stunted their growth so much they are assumed to be 5 years younger than they are, some whose bodies have been ruled by parasites and worms because they are drinking unclean water or eating badly prepared food. Not a week has gone by that I have not stepped foot in some kind of medical facility. Not a week has gone by that I have not met someone who needed medical treatment but could not afford it. Not a week has gone by that one of my babies at HOREC has not awoken during the night with illness. Not a week has gone by that my heart has not literally ached for the sick here in Kenya. I have fought with doctors to tears about the kind of care they provide these children. I have spent probably the amount I would spend on gas for two weeks in America on buying simple medicine that will remove the worms that are infesting so many children here. I have sat in waiting room after waiting room, knowing that unfortunately--eventually seeing the doctor will not be worth the wait. I have tried so hard to reason with people who have different beliefs about medical treatment and when it is needed. And none of those small acts have been done without God speaking so clearly to my heart and putting a yearning within me to fight with every fiber of my being for the care of these children. He has told me to do something more than loving (which could easily stand on it's own) and to learn how to care for these children myself, medically. To sacrifice the time, brain power, and distance to learn how to allow His love in me to express itself in an additional way.
He has made some things clear to me and I will share them, even though they are not organized in my mind--I trust He will provide that in due time. I will leave Kenya at some point and complete a graduate degree to become a Physician's Assistant. I will, God-willing, follow Him back here (where my heart is) and love these kids who are dying from HIV in a new way. I want to know their names--all of them. I want to remember them--may they never be forgotten. I want to love them when their parents are too sick/have died and are unable. I want them to have a beautiful haven to live in when they are in their last months on this earth. I want love to be their medicine over any other medically prescribed treatment. I have seen how His love heals.
I don't know when I am coming back to start this endeavor and to be honest, I do not want to come back. It is simply an act of obedience and leaving these people seems impossible. The easy thing to do is to stay here forever--I am content here. But He has clearly asked me to trust Him and move in this and I am willing, whether grudgingly or not (working through that but will not lie--I am not joyfully skipping back to America to start this long and strenuous process away from the ones I long to love). I thought I needed to come back in June so I can get started right away, but I'm just not sure. The thought of leaving now has had me in tears daily. I am thankful He has revealed His will to me, but it's not what I wanted. I was not asking for it... I was content being here forever, the medically untrained me. I was looking into adopting children He's put in my path and finding a place to live and invite people to. He told me to wait.
Loving these kids is enough. It's more than enough. But obedience to Him for me is to listen and walk towards what He has asked of me and as painful as it is, I will do it. I have no idea whether I will be starting the prerequisites for PA school on July 6th or August 14th or January 5th or August of 2020. I wanted to wait until I knew that detail to tell you, but I don't know and may not know until the day before I either start school or board a plane. I would appreciate your prayers so much as I learn what it is to obey even when it means (temporarily) tearing my attached heart away (physically) from those I have fallen in love with here.