Saturday, June 26, 2010
I know it has been a long time since I posted… I think as soon as I realized that my plane ticket said I was leaving Africa in one month, taking out my computer and stealing time to update moved to my last priority. Anyway, I come back home tomorrow so I figured I should touch base a bit before I board the plane.
Maybe I am being dramatic or making a bold statement that sounds exaggerated to everyone but me, but I have never felt so much pain in my entire life … I’ve experienced more heartache in these past four months than in my 23.5 previous years combined. The joy I have experienced has been free and exhilarating; the pain I have experienced is raw and abrasive. However offensive or pleasant they are to me, they are REAL and pure. I have never felt more alive. I go to bed each night exhausted and fully aware that I am living… I am alive. I finally know firsthand how love IS vulnerability. When I love, I am putting my heart in someone else’s hands and of course it will be wrecked and wrung, but it’s how I know I am on the right course. It makes me feel alive, like I have a pulse and my heart is not beating for myself alone, but for others thanks to His amazing grace.
All that to say, I will not be able to wrap my ‘experience’ up into several happy words when you ask me ‘How was Kenya??’ in passing. It might be possible, but I am not interested in finding out how to summarize 4 months of life into a sentence. I don’t see this as an ‘experience’ whatsoever…. this is just life. It does not need to be categorized as a defined “event or occurrence that leaves an impression on someone.” I don’t need to be characterized as ‘someone who is passionate about social injustice’ or ‘someone who enjoys international mission experiences.’ I want to move away from loving deeply--whether in Africa, East Cobb, the moon, or Guatemala--being an isolated event. It is just life. So while I’d love to sit down and talk about what He has been teaching me and how He’s been allowing me to take part in His ministry over the past few months, I don’t want to sit down and talk with you about my “Kenya experience.” The people I spend my days with here are forever a part of me… they’re not part of an occurrence that left a mark on me, they are my brothers and sisters and children.
God is great and He is busy everywhere… how I would love it if we could sit down and talk—you sharing what He is doing in your geographical location, me sharing what he is doing in mine, and together rejoicing that He is faithful and true and compassionate and loving and good all over the globe. The same God that is guiding you through loving your coworkers and teaching you how to follow the Holy Spirit’s guidance in the corporate world is the same one riding with me to the hospital with a sick child or holding a child as they say goodbye to their mother who is days from death. We are both learning to abide in Him and asking Him to rid us of ourselves so He can reign in us, our days just hold different things.
Also, random side note—I believe that PA school or whatever sort of medical training I spoke about in my last blog is being postponed. Again, I have no idea and am living literally minute by minute. But it seems He has plans for me to invest in some children here in Kenya right now instead of leaving to begin school. I am ready and willing and eager to see where He leads. I also do not know when I am returning to Kenya… am praying to return as soon as possible, though I will need to spend time earning/raising money before I can come back. I’ll post pictures on facebook soon (faster internet in USA will bring more pictures and videos, too) and will update the blog and introduce you to some people soon.
Sorry that was a really random post…. I am very sad to leave my kids but am excited to see you and spend time with my family (especially Cade, baby Elliott, and my dog). Praying He brings me back just as soon as He can, but trusting Him to sustain me until then.